Obama’s universal everything will save America
By William Pitt
Welcome, friends and fellow occupants of the Mother Land, to what will soon be known as the United States of Obama—or “Obamia” in short-hand. Emerge from the shadows, all ye doubtful in His Supremacy’s ability to lead a nation so divided to the promised land! Worry not, ye Republican souls that dare defy His Supremacy! For it is all in your head, undoubtedly from listening to the baseless lies and propaganda fed to you all these years by Fox News and the evil right-wing attack machine! They know not the Truth of His Supremacy, hence your ignorance of what is and will be a United States under the supreme leadership of His Obamaness! Allow me, if you will to paint a picture of paradise; the garden of Eden that awaits us in 2009—provided you put your racial ignorance and bigotry aside and place His Supremacy in his rightful place. Forgive my lofty tone in writing this; it just happens that I’m much smarter than you. You wouldn’t understand.
You will hear from Fox News and the Right-Wing Media (Karl Rovians as I shall call them) that His Supremacy wishes to raise your taxes. Falsity! It’s a scare tactic used by the Rovians to distract you from the REAL issues! The REAL issue being that His Supremacy wishes not to tax you into submission, but to tax the evil Haves that have stripped you of what is rightfully yours! Health care, property, an affordable house, and free education! These are fundamental RIGHTS that His Supremacy wishes to bestow upon YOU and I—the Have-Nots! He will make us equal and create the one Obamia of Haves! Yes! We will ALL be rich! You and I will be equally rich! We’ll save tons of money on education, health care, housing, insurance, you name it! His Supremacy will bestow it upon us! This will grant us a stronger economy because as we all know in the school of Obama Logic, the less money there is in the free-market, the more there is in the economy, obviously!
Another lie you will surely hear from Fox News and the Rovians is that His Supremacy is anti-energy! Falsehood! It’s a distraction posed by the Rovians so you don’t pay attention to the REAL issue at stake here! The fact is, gas was $1.47 a gallon when Adolf Bush took office. Now it’s $4.00! It’s obvious that Bush is dictating the price in order to line the pockets of his cronies in the oil industry! Never mind that this recklessness of policy is KILLING our economy! His Supremacy Obama is in no one’s pocket! Not Exxon’s, not Mobil’s, not Texaco’s, not Fannie Mae’s, not Freddie Mac’s, not Goldman and Sachs’! No one! Obama is the Leader of the People, by the People, and FOR the People! He will only do what is right by us! After all! All of his donations were by American (I’m sorry, Obamian) workers that scraped together their pennies and gave contributions of only $5 each! Yes! $5 per capita (to use one of those Republican terms) added up to the $460 million he’s raised thus far! That’s 92,000,000 donors! And as we all know, statistics show that only a third of a candidate’s supporters are actual donors, so, really, His Supremacy has about 276,000,000 supporters! That’s how many people want Obamia to become a dream come true, (which is coincidently the amount of people who don’t have any health care)! These are people who spend nights under bridges because their houses were foreclosed on because Wall Street is dumb. And Bush is evil and reckless. If these past eight years have shown us anything, it’s that capitalism does not work. His Obamaness will fix that!
Indeed, the Rovians will tell you many things in the coming months, but believe them not! In the future you will have His Supremacy to thank when no one in the world is stupid anymore! Yes! Thanks to the education reforms His Supremacy is seeking along with his former neighbor and education-reform extraordinaire and future Education Minister William Ayers, everyone in the world will be as smart as We the Faithful! We will all see His Supremacy’s vision as clear as day! He will introduce his ingenious Zero to Five program that will teach our infants and toddlers comprehensive interpersonal skills that will prepare them for big Public School! He will also loosen those egregious “guidelines” forced on teachers to serve as Rovian-style propaganda to poison our future generations into phony patriotism and the idiotic idea that America is the “good guy”. (Give me a break!) His Supremacy said in his manifesto, the Audacity of Hope, that he’d be willing to pay a good teacher $100,000 a year! I say bravo! I say reward the teachers that teach the truth about His Supremacy and punish those who defy him and dare to propagate falsities about His Obamaness!
But what is and will always be the the future Obamia’s greatest attribute—is hope. Yes, hope. Oh, I’m sure all those idiotic Rovians are rolling their eyes now; I can hear it from here in my dorm room. But what the Rovians fail to understand is that “hope” and “change” aren’t just bumper stickers and trademarks to We the Faithful; but ideas and ideals, which are the most noble of ideals, and it’s these ideals that are ideal to us who truly listen to the ideas of truth and hope and change taught in His Supremacy’s speeches and manifestos. We need a change, people! And we can have a new country, a new system, and a new world order through His Supremacy Barack Obama! Think about it! A unified world full of unity and hope! It’s a change we need after the past eight years. We need the type of unity we had with the great presidents like Roosevelt, Truman, Johnson, Carter, Clinton! Not the divisiveness and war-mongering of Eisenhower, Nixon, Ford, Reagan, and Bush I and II! We’ve had enough war! Time for peace and prosperity and a united world brought together through the prospect of a change that will make us hopeful! And we can do it! Yes we can! So stand with We the Faithful and elect His Supremacy, Barack Obama! Obama forever! Yes we can! Death to the Rovians and propagandists that lie about the hope that His Supremacy provides! Death to the Haves! Equality and Unity to the Have-nots! We are one! Yes we can! Obama!
William Pitt is sarcastic and has a daily column called the Real Spit at http://williamdavidpitt.bustablog.com. He is a social-economic writer and all-around crazy person who greatly admires the founding fathers and the Constitution. William Pitt has no party affiliation but is a self proclaimed “Constitutional Capitalist.” E-mail him at: email@example.com.