A satirical look at Florida’s shallow and leaderless governor
By Chris Ingram
Jim: Governor, your poll numbers are falling faster than Lee County housing prices. I’m getting nervous…
Charlie: Its okay Jimmie, I’ve got that senate thing lined up with Mel this summer. Start packing your bags, I’m gonna’ need a driver!
Jim: Governor, this is serious. The party faithful and loyal contributors are upset. They don’t like the whole idea of you supporting Obamalism. They say all these bailouts and spending bills are saddling our kids with more and more debt.
Charlie: I don’t have any kids.
Jim: And they’re also upset about the state of public education and all the cuts we’re making in the schools.
Charlie: Like I said, I don’t have any kids.
Jim: And polling shows they’re starting to blame elected officials for the mortgage and housing crisis.
Charlie: I don’t own a home.
Jim: I’ve gotten calls from people. Important people. They say you’re putting the GOP at a disadvantage by not announcing your intentions about running for Mel’s senate seat. A whole bunch of guys want to run, but they’re too scared to announce in the event you decide to run for Mel’s seat.
Charlie: Jimbo, it’s the people’s senate seat. Not Mel’s. It could be mine of course. All in due time. My new wife would like to go to Washington; she thinks it’s cool. Poor ol’ Howdy Doody thought he’d have his chance. How many times would this be, three? It will never be his time and he knows it. Sucker!
Jim: What about the insurance crisis? People are going to be really upset if a big hurricane hits us. Financial experts say another hurricane Andrew could bankrupt the state.
Charlie: They don’t use those hurricane names over and over again like that Jimster. It might be a 100 years before there is another hurricane named “Andrew.” Plus the names are all “PC” now. Names like Gustav and stuff like that, not WASPy like “Andrew” or even “Charlie!” And these “financial experts,” are these the same people who work on Wall Street? People hate Wall Street. Let’s go burn it down. We could have a photo-op of me lighting the match and torching the place.
Jim: That’s not exactly what I mean. I mean economists and stuff. My kid’s school teacher even.
Charlie: They want to burn down Wall Street? Bring ‘em with us! But I light the first match.
Jim: No I mean experts and common people – people like my kid’s school teacher. They are starting to recognize that —
Charlie: [interrupts] You have kids? Wow! When do you get to go fishin’?
Jim: My point is lots of people aren’t happy with things right now.
Charlie: What things? Don’t they know that my populist message resonates with the average voter who doesn’t pay attention to anything?
Jim: That’s the point. It’s starting to not resonate so well. People are starting to understand that slick talk and polished press releases don’t mean much in hard times.
Charlie: Let’s do a photo-op with Obama again.
Jim: I think we’ll need to do something more than a photo-op. And Obama isn’t such a good idea. How about Newt Gingrich? The base loves Newt.
Charlie: The guy has enough hair growing out of his ears to weave a blanket. I don’t like him.
Jim: But Republicans do.
Charlie: No. He’s all wrong. He puts an “r” in “Washington” when he talks about D.C. You know, like he calls it “Warshington.” Learn to spell dude. What about Ronald Reagan?
Jim: He’s dead.
Charlie: Oh right. How about George W. Bush?
Jim: Not too popular right now.
Charlie: The old man?
Jim: Jeb would say no.
Charlie: Right. How about Nancy Pelosi? She’s popular.
Jim: In San Francisco. And she’s a liberal Democrat.
Charlie: So…I like San Francisco.
Jim: So we’re trying to appeal to the base.
Charlie: Jacksonville or MacDill?
Charlie: Which base? Jacksonville Naval Air Station or MacDill AFB? Or maybe the one over there in the panhandle, uh, Pensacola I think it is.
Jim: No governor, I’m talking about the base of the party.
Charlie: The party has a base? I’ve never been invited. Let’s do a photo-op there.
Jim: No sir. I mean the hardcore activists. Straight ticket voters. Church goers. Small dollar contributors. Envelope stuffers.
Charlie: Oh! You mean the wing nuts who reelected you in Orlando? Why don’t you just say so? You party chairmen think you’re so smart with all your fancy terms.
Jim: Nevermind. Wanna go to a strip club?
Charlie: Not my kinda thing Jimbo.
Chris Ingram is CEO and partner of Strategic Solutions of Florida a political consulting company. He is also the president and founder of 411 Communications a corporate and political communications firm, and publisher of Irreverent View. Ingram is a frequent pundit on Fox News and CNN, and has written opinion columns for the Washington Times, UPI, Front Page Florida, and National Review online. E-mail him at: Chris@411Communications.net. Ingram is no longer on the governor’s Christmas card list.