At a private meeting in Tallahassee…

Jim: Governor, your poll numbers are falling faster than Lee County housing prices. I’m getting nervous…

Charlie: Its okay Jimmie, I’ve got that senate thing lined up with Mel this summer. Start packing your bags, I’m gonna’ need a driver!

Jim: Governor, this is serious. The party faithful and loyal contributors are upset. They don’t like the whole idea of you supporting Obamalism. They say all these bailouts and spending bills are saddling our kids with more and more debt.

Charlie: I don’t have any kids.

A satirical look at Florida’s shallow and leaderless governor

By Chris Ingram

Jim: Governor, your poll numbers are falling faster than Lee County housing prices. I’m getting nervous…

Charlie: Its okay Jimmie, I’ve got that senate thing lined up with Mel this summer. Start packing your bags, I’m gonna’ need a driver!

Jim: Governor, this is serious. The party faithful and loyal contributors are upset. They don’t like the whole idea of you supporting Obamalism. They say all these bailouts and spending bills are saddling our kids with more and more debt.

Charlie: I don’t have any kids.

Jim: And they’re also upset about the state of public education and all the cuts we’re making in the schools.

Charlie: Like I said, I don’t have any kids.

Jim: And polling shows they’re starting to blame elected officials for the mortgage and housing crisis.

Charlie: I don’t own a home.

Jim: I’ve gotten calls from people. Important people. They say you’re putting the GOP at a disadvantage by not announcing your intentions about running for Mel’s senate seat. A whole bunch of guys want to run, but they’re too scared to announce in the event you decide to run for Mel’s seat.

Charlie: Jimbo, it’s the people’s senate seat. Not Mel’s. It could be mine of course. All in due time. My new wife would like to go to Washington; she thinks it’s cool. Poor ol’ Howdy Doody thought he’d have his chance. How many times would this be, three? It will never be his time and he knows it. Sucker!

Jim: What about the insurance crisis? People are going to be really upset if a big hurricane hits us. Financial experts say another hurricane Andrew could bankrupt the state.

Charlie: They don’t use those hurricane names over and over again like that Jimster. It might be a 100 years before there is another hurricane named “Andrew.” Plus the names are all “PC” now. Names like Gustav and stuff like that, not WASPy like “Andrew” or even “Charlie!” And these “financial experts,” are these the same people who work on Wall Street? People hate Wall Street. Let’s go burn it down. We could have a photo-op of me lighting the match and torching the place.

Jim: That’s not exactly what I mean. I mean economists and stuff. My kid’s school teacher even.

Charlie: They want to burn down Wall Street? Bring ‘em with us! But I light the first match.

Jim: No I mean experts and common people – people like my kid’s school teacher. They are starting to recognize that —

Charlie: [interrupts] You have kids? Wow! When do you get to go fishin’?

Jim: My point is lots of people aren’t happy with things right now.

Charlie: What things? Don’t they know that my populist message resonates with the average voter who doesn’t pay attention to anything?

Jim: That’s the point. It’s starting to not resonate so well. People are starting to understand that slick talk and polished press releases don’t mean much in hard times.

Charlie: Let’s do a photo-op with Obama again.

Jim: I think we’ll need to do something more than a photo-op. And Obama isn’t such a good idea. How about Newt Gingrich? The base loves Newt.

Charlie: The guy has enough hair growing out of his ears to weave a blanket. I don’t like him.

Jim: But Republicans do.

Charlie: No. He’s all wrong. He puts an “r” in “Washington” when he talks about D.C. You know, like he calls it “Warshington.” Learn to spell dude. What about Ronald Reagan?

Jim: He’s dead.

Charlie: Oh right. How about George W. Bush?

Jim: Not too popular right now.

Charlie: The old man?

Jim: Jeb would say no.

Charlie: Right. How about Nancy Pelosi? She’s popular.

Jim: In San Francisco. And she’s a liberal Democrat.

Charlie: So…I like San Francisco.

Jim: So we’re trying to appeal to the base.

Charlie: Jacksonville or MacDill?

Jim: What?

Charlie: Which base? Jacksonville Naval Air Station or MacDill AFB? Or maybe the one over there in the panhandle, uh, Pensacola I think it is.

Jim: No governor, I’m talking about the base of the party.

Charlie: The party has a base? I’ve never been invited. Let’s do a photo-op there.

Jim: No sir. I mean the hardcore activists. Straight ticket voters. Church goers. Small dollar contributors. Envelope stuffers.

Charlie: Oh! You mean the wing nuts who reelected you in Orlando? Why don’t you just say so? You party chairmen think you’re so smart with all your fancy terms.

Jim: Nevermind. Wanna go to a strip club?

Charlie: Not my kinda thing Jimbo.

Chris Ingram is CEO and partner of Strategic Solutions of Florida a political consulting company. He is also the president and founder of 411 Communications a corporate and political communications firm, and publisher of Irreverent View. Ingram is a frequent pundit on Fox News and CNN, and has written opinion columns for the Washington Times, UPI, Front Page Florida, and National Review online. E-mail him at: Ingram is no longer on the governor’s Christmas card list.

7 thoughts on “At a private meeting in Tallahassee…”

  1. [sent by e-mail]

    Hey Chris!
    Please Be Aware that the Hypocrates Love when we Repubilcan Fight or Speak badly about one another, So PLEASE Remember the 11th Commandment of President Ronald Reagan “DON’T Speak NEGATIVELY About a Fellow Republican”
    I also didn’t like Gov. Crist going to see the “Anointed One” & Beg for Money, it was VERY Embarrassing. But My Fellow GOP Friend It’s Water Under the Bridge Now.
    We have a Much Bigger issue on hand like the 2 wars before in Our Country it’s Taxation without Representation. We’re starting Up TEA Parties through out the Country & it’s Growing Fast. So Please Help Us & Not be a Distraction by giving THEM the Ammunition they Need to Divide US. We Have to & Need to be United to Fight this Bloody Liberals & Their Socialist Ideas in 2010. I hope to hear back that Your with Us.
    Your Conservative Friend in Apollo Beach, John E.


  2. John,

    Thanks for the note. I have to disagree with you on several points.

    First and foremost, I am not giving the Democrats any ammunition – our irresponsible elected officials (like Charlie Crist) are.

    Second, the type of “hush, don’t speak ill of our Republicans when they do wrong/screw up” is the type of sentiment that gave us the mess we’re in right now. That is, too many GOPers kept their mouths shut when George W. Bush and the Republicans in Congress went on a reckless spending spree for 8 yrs. We have a record deficit of 11 trillion dollars that my children and their granchidlren will have to pay for. Thanks but no thanks, my loyalty is to my kids not Charlie Crist, the Republican Party or the political opportunistic vultures that make up most of the elected officials in our country.

    Thirdly, Charlie is a Republican in Name Only (RINO). If he acted like a real Republican, I wouldn’t have problems with his policies.

    We would all serve ourselves and our children well if we stood up and told these clowns they’re doing a poor job instead of keeping quiet. Sitting around quietly also leads to totalitarian rule.


  3. I am responding to your message:

    1) You said Charlie is giving Democrats ammunition…you name me 5 Democrats that talk bad about another Democrat, it doesn’t happen, they stick together no matter what is said or what they do, unlike what you are doing in bashing a fellow Republican, even though you think he’s a “RINO” (irresponsibly elected officials or not).

    2) We have to be united in our “TEA Party” effort and not bring up issues UNRELATED to “Taxation without Representation”! Which is what Socialist Obama & his Democrat Comrades in Congress are doing to this Nation! I’m asking you again are you with us or are you to busy finding fault in fellow Republicans.

    3) Charlie is a Moderate has been and always will be a Moderate! If you voted him in thinking he was a Conservative, then you REALLY don’t know Charlie Crist! He is running for U.S. Senate…like it or not he’s playing the political game. Do you remember he endorsed McCain for President before the Primaries? Which was a politcal move for his own VP possibilities.


  4. [sent by e-mail]

    I just read your satirical article on Charlie Crist and it was hilarious. I plugged my nose when saying the Jim lines to sound more like him. Hope you’re doing well.


  5. Regarding point 1, I would rather not emulate the Democrats in any way. If they want to be the party that ignores and frowns on differences of opinion let them. I don’t want to be party to any such behavior as it leads to tyrants like Hitler and Castro.

    As for point 2, One can find fault from within and still not be supportive of the opposition (the Dems).

    And on point 3, Charlie’s support for McCain was clearly calculatingly done to get on the ticket. And yes, he’s a moderate. At election time, I thought he was better than the alternative, but I don’t believe that is the case any longer. At least with Jim Davis we would have known to expect liberal Democrat behavior. With Charlie, it’s been a surprise — but no more.


  6. Hi Chris,

    I met you at an REC meeting in Duval county last spring or so. I was there to speak on behalf of JSM, and I sat beside you. You might also recall that I erroneously accused you of presenting another’s words or work as your own. Again I apologize and hope you have forgiven if not forgotten about that.

    I found your tongue-in-cheek dialogue between Jim and Charlie absolutely hysterical! What makes it so funny is precisely what makes it so sad…that conversation has probably happened!

    What is it about you that makes you place your kids’ futures ahead of a political party?! Outrageous! If you would simply allow the government to grow, it will take care of you in your old age and you will have no need of your children aside from their willingness to pay more than half of their income in taxes to facilitate the government’s willingness to meet your needs!

    As for Reagan’s 11th commandment, it applies to true Republicans only, not the type we saw during Bush’s administration who learned well from the Democrats when it came to deficit spending and governmental growth.

    I say “god for you”! Keep blasting those worthy of your contempt regardless of party affiliation. It’s time that we take our party back and restore some of its most basic principles, like smaller government and fiscal restraint. To remain silent allows the parties to become indiscernible from each other.


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