At the Crist for U.S. Senate campaign headquarters in Tallahassee, Florida Governor Charlie Crist meets with campaign manager Eric Eikenberg
By Chris Ingram
Charlie (with a big grin): Hey Eric! How are you?
Eric: I’m fine, and you sir?
Charlie: Feeling tanned. Where are you from Eric?
Eric (with a puzzled look on his face): Uh, er, Ft. Lauderdale sir. You’ve known me for years…
Charlie (excited): Lauderdale! That’s great. Good beaches there. Got lots of friends I used to go clubbing with down there. Fishing isn’t bad there either.
Eric (annoyed): Okay governor, we’ve got some problems.
Charlie: What’s wrong? We out of Red Bull or something?
Eric: No governor. But your poll numbers are in the tank. You lost the straw poll in Pinellas county. And all indications are if the election were today, Marco Rubio would defeat you 57 to 43 percent. To make matters worse, word on the street here in Tallahassee is when the legislature goes sine die a lot of people are going to jump ship.
Charlie (confused): Sine what?
Eric: Sine die. When the legislature adjourns.
Charlie: Oh! Why didn’t you just say that you silly boy? I thought you meant someone died jumping off a ship. You know that happens sometimes. People go on these cruises and get bored and then they jump. Happens all the time. What did you call it again? And what does adjourn mean?
Eric: Forget about the definitions of words governor. The point is, when the lobbyists and other special interests in Tallahassee no longer have to fear you once the session has ended, a lot of them are going to start coming out for Marco.
Charlie: Coming out! Are they gay?
Eric: This is very serious. We’ve got to have a strategy to turn this campaign around.
Charlie: Hmmm… Do you think the Bucs should’ve re-signed Morris? Reason I ask is I think Glazier has a strategy to turn around the Bucs. Maybe we should call him for some ideas.
Eric: I really don’t think that is necessary and we don’t want to go the way of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Charlie: But the people like football. We should make football a part of our plan. I played quarterback. I know how to lead a team. The people want a leader to lead them! Leadership is all about people. Being lead. To help them…
Eric: Well the polling suggests the voters don’t think you’re doing a good job leading the state. They’re upset about jobs, taxes, education, transportation, and of course…the hug.
Charlie: You mean when I hugged Greer goodbye? I don’t care that they don’t like him. He’s my friend…and he has those pictures.
Eric: What pictures? Oh nevermind. No! I mean the hug with Obama.
Charlie: I’ve explained all that. Listen, I didn’t embrace his spending package. I embraced the idea of stimulating the economy and jobs for the people while showing a willingness to stand with the first black president of the United States on his first trip to Ft. Myers as president. I got to ride in one of those big Cadillac limos too. It was cool. Greer told me it was going to be all pimped out but it wasn’t. And I helped the economy in Ft. Myers because I bought a Snickers bar at Circle K on the way back to the airport. The people in Ft. Myers appreciated that. Because Ft. Myers is hurting — really bad.
Eric: Lets change the topic for a moment. I think we should attack Marco Rubio. Our research team learned he once voted for what we could characterize as a tax increase when he was a city commissioner.
Charlie: My goodness that’s scraping the bottom of the barrel. Wasn’t that like, um, eleven or twelve years ago?
Eric: Yeah, but that’s all we’ve got on him. His record on taxes while in the state legislature is squeaky clean. Now I’m also thinking we should drill him on illegal immigration.
Charlie: I thought Marco was pretty conservative on illegal immigration.
Eric: Exactly what he wants you to think. But he never sponsored any legislation to curb illegal immigration. So we’ll attack him as being soft on immigration.
Charlie: Hmm. That might work. This is why I pay you the big bucks E-squared!
Charlie (scratching his head): You know, I was watching this video called School House Rock the other day. Jeff Atwater told me to watch it. He said it helped him and would help me bone up on legislative procedure. He was right. It really helped! My grammar is a lot better too. Do you know what a conjunction is? Anyhow, the video had this part about government and legislative bills and stuff, and it seems to me that just because someone didn’t sponsor a bill doesn’t mean they’re for or against something.
Eric: Look governor, this is all we’ve got. Your supporters are dropping faster than a hooker’s knickers. We need to do something and do it quick. So unless you want to start showing some leadership on issues and admit some mistakes, we need to start attacking Rubio.
Charlie: Hooker’s knickers! That’s a good one. How soon can we get those attacks up on TV?
Chris Ingram is the president and founder of 411 Communications a corporate and political communications firm, and publisher of www.IrreverentView.com. Ingram is a frequent pundit on Fox News and CNN, and has written opinion columns for the Washington Times, UPI, Front Page Florida, and National Review online. E-mail him at: Chris@411Communications.com.