Burgin planning election-night party at Chuck-e-Cheese

 The Diner, Part II

A political satire about the antics of Sam and Josh

By Chris Ingram

(5:12 p.m. In the heart of Brandon at “Sam’s Café” in walks Josh, candidate for Hillsborough County Commission)

(Josh sits down and a lovely waitress hands him a menu)

Josh: Good afternoon, I’m Josh. I’m meeting Sam at 1:00 p.m.

Waitress: (looking at her watch) It’s 5:15.

Josh: I know. But Sam doesn’t really respect my time, and he usually shows up really late.

Waitress: (nodding in understanding) Okay honey, what would you like today?

Josh: Hamburger Helper and some French fries please!

Waitress: (rolling her eyes) Oh, I remember you. You’re the kid running for Mayor or something, right?

Commission candidate Josh Burgin

Josh: (smiling proudly) Actually miss, I am running for Hillsborough County Commission district 7, political advertisement paid for and approved by Sam Rashid. But I do think running for County Mayor will be in my cards.

Waitress: Sam is opposed to the County Mayor initiative. And we don’t serve Hamburger Helper here. This is the finest diner, I mean “bistro” in Brandon. Closest thing we’ve got to Hamburger Helper is a patty melt.

Josh: That would be awesome! Can you like put extra cheese on it? I’d also like a glass of chocolate milk with that.

Waitress: (walking away laughing to herself) You got it kid. I’ll bring you some crayons and a menu you can draw on too.

(A few hours later Sam walks in)

Sam: (looking angry) The newspapers are all over us for what they are suggesting is my questionable spending on your behalf and the campaign contributions my nineteen companies made to you. Don’t they know laws are made to be broken? And haven’t you done anything to raise money from anyone else?

Josh: I was going to like have a lemonade stand yesterday but it was raining, so I just planned my victory party instead. I’m like thinking we could rent a bounce house and serve hot dogs and snow cones or maybe just have it at Chuck-e-Cheese – they have like the coolest games there.

Sam: Chuck-e-Cheese! What are you an idiot?

Josh: No sir. I was home schooled and am very smart. Renting a bounce house is fine with me if you don’t like Chuck-e (Sam interrupts)

Sam: (getting angrier) There won’t be a victory party if we don’t get the press off this story! They’re all over the fact that I gave you thirty grand in “severance” money, and now they’re also focusing on the TV ad I helped fund through Guetzloe’s group.

Josh: (smiling) Oh yeah, I saw that when I was watching Nickelodeon last night. Don’t tell my mom, but I was watching Sponge Bob when it came on. Sponge Bob was like doing some silly stuff! He had this puppet and he was like pulling its strings… oh never mind. Then the ad came on talking about Mark Sharpe and it ended with that John Kerry guy. It was like confusing because it didn’t make any sense for a big government liberal to be in an ad with Mark Sharpe. But I do like John Kerry ‘cause he’s married to that lady Heinz who inherited the ketchup company when her first husband died. I LOVE ketchup!

Sam: You really are an idiot, but maybe not as much as Buddy Johnson was.

Josh: Oh man, Buddy Johnson, he is so cool! I was thinking he might come to the victory party and dress up as a clown and make animal balloons.

Sam: (under his breath) Well that’s certainly something he’s qualified to do.

Sam: Listen, I’m thinking maybe this isn’t such a good idea.

Josh: Renting the bounce house?

Sam: No you fool. I’m talking about getting you to run in this race.

Josh: But you told me there could be a house in Arkansas in it for me if I won.

Sam: Jim Norman screwed the pooch for you on that one. There will be no house in Arkansas.

Josh:  Mississippi?

Sam: Forget the house. The voters are on to us and it’s looking bad. I think what I will do is set up a 527 and run some ads suggesting Mark Sharpe is an out-of-touch geek who supports abortion on demand and wants to take away people’s guns. I’ll get Bill Bunting to say something stupid about the gun stuff.

Josh: (looking concerned) But that isn’t true.

Sam: Kid, nothing is true in politics when I get involved. We just need to fire up the base because this tax thing isn’t going according to plan. People seem to understand Sharpe hasn’t raised anybody’s taxes and that this referendum is about letting the voters decide if they want to pay an extra penny sales tax so they aren’t stuck in traffic. They keep whining about “democracy!” Screw democracy. Why the other day someone opposed to the tax told me they were still planning to vote for Mark Sharpe because he “is a decent public servant.” They’ve obviously watched Mr. Smith Goes to Washington too many times.

Josh: (agreeing) Yeah, traffic does really stink. I was on my way to the Children’s museum the other day and it took like FOREVER to get down Kennedy!  And my babysitter who lives in New Tampa said Bruce B. Downs takes like an hour to navigate.

Sam: (with a furrowed brow) Do you ever listen to the stuff you say?

Josh: Aw shucks! I just like to talk Uncle Sam.

Sam: Do not ever call me Uncle Sam again. You and I do not share the same DNA!

Josh: (pouting) Yes sir.

Sam: Here’s what you do. Go home and stay there until Election Day. Don’t talk to the press because they’re going to ask you questions you can’t answer without me. Avoid going to events because people are starting to see you have no grasp of how things work. And by all means, forget about Chuck-e-Cheese. I’ll get to work on some new mailings and will make some calls to the press about how biased and bigoted they are toward me.

Josh: (feeling dejected) Okay Sam. But if I win, can we still go to Disney World?

Chris Ingram is the president and founder of 411 Communications a corporate and political communications firm, and publisher of www.IrreverentView.com. Ingram is a frequent pundit on Fox News and CNN, and has written opinion columns for the Washington Times, UPI, Front Page Florida, and National Review online. E-mail him at: Chris@IrreverentView.com.

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14 thoughts on “Burgin planning election-night party at Chuck-e-Cheese”

  1. The rain comes down from God and the dribble comes down from chrissy…….it feels just like 7th..oops 4th grade when the conversation was never about anything real. I wish for the sakes of the voters, the tax payers and of course those who do not, that chrissy was not markies fetch boy with dog breath.

    It appears Sam is the only person in the county willing to step up and do something about the unholy conversion of markie to the liberal dark side that he has actively cross dressed to. I hope the other Catholics of the county understand the vile and distasteful assertion your making about one of their own….its ashame you have no other position but race, alegation and name calling to prop up markie with.

    If you are a conservative why would you switch sides! If you are republican?….we all know it just a box on the earl leonards form to be either R of d. Oh but wait…Buddy Johnson was not in office when markie made the wrong box check at the suppers office.

    I over heard PBSJ was wanting markie for one of their own in November. Randy may be willing to give him his office for $100.

    Isn’t markies positions better than Bowmer, Cotner and Anderson? Well maybe not!

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  2. The post from Timmy Young makes absolutely no sense. Catholics? Race? Where was any of this mentioned?

    As for the suggestion that it’s juvenille, well, maybe so. But it funny anyhow. And it is very irreverent.

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  3. Timmy, you been bought too? I am a Catholic and NOBODY thinks
    for me. Really, to make a choice on this discussion/contest
    one does not even need to ‘THINK”. Just be a living, breathing soul and practice the art of “AWARENESS”. That is all you need to do. Common Sense (if you have any) will guide you to make the proper decision. Ann

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  4. From your posts, I suppose Chris Ingram has failed to mentioned Sam Rashid is a catholic…..not a muslim. I apologize for the reader being unaware of Sam Rashid NOT being Muslim.
    Thinking is a great gift! If we have the facts it makes it that much easier!
    As a fellow Catholic not having someone think for me I have not been bought either.

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  5. You all have missed the point! Mark Sharp wants to tax all of us to build the city of Tampa a small slow rail line that will not pay for itself not now not ever! He is wanting our children to be on the hook for his and Pam Iorio pet project. Our taxes go up and he doesn’t even miss a lick! Vote the beholden bum out!

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  6. To Mike:

    As Ronald Reagan used to say, “there you go again.” Complete BS. The transporation referendum is about improving overall transportation and includes a majority of money for roads, then buses and rail, and even some money for bike lanes so we don’t end up with more people killed like Leroy Collins.

    People like you should stay at home or crawl back under the rock you came from.

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  7. No Mike – you have missed the point. Mark wants all of us to decide for ourselves what our transportation future will be. You and Timmy-Sam-I-Am want to close off the debate and let us stew in congestion.

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  8. Thanks for reading the posts. Monday evening Mark indicated he is in favor of the rail and the tax and would love to put all this on a referendum for “us” to vote on. The missed point revolves around the issue that he wants it and we will only have an option to vote a up down on what he proposes. This is a really good gamble for him. This is a really bad gamble for us. The interesting issue about roads, bike paths, buses,rail and so forth goes back to how the CC handles approvals of developements that most of the new people who have moved into HC live in. These developers were allowed to get by without taking care of the things that the people who now live there all want and demand from the CC. It is reprehensible that these same people could not have afforded to purchase their dream homes in upscale areas if the developers were required to do the things that they now want. However, now they demand that the CC fix these terrible issue and allow others who do not live there to pay for their issues. Communism allows all of us to participate in fixing the problems of the group…not requiring personal responsibility from the individual. Mark has adopted a common good approach to ruling the little people. The dictators of old called them peasants. Such a pleasant thought to be a peasant simply offering up tax to be spent on how they see fit

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  9. I just wanted to have some quality time with Jim Davis and Pam Iorio. I just want the people to decide. I had no idea all these people would be upset to pay another tax on the things they buy in exchange for what I think is a good needed form of transportation for about 2000 of those taxpayers. I just want the people to decide. Years ago when I was in my multi-national classes, I learned that we need bigger government to manage the people and assist the global corporations to succeed at their business plans. I just want the people to decide.

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  10. I know of people who like to bash on Josh….But I would vote for Twiddle Dee or Twiddle Dumb before I would vote for anyone who tried to either raise our taxes our give the media the opportunity to convince the voters to approve a tax….

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  11. @Timmy – Why would Rashid’s religious views matter to anybody? I don’t care if he worships, Jesus, Allah or Satan. It is irrelevant. What is relevant is how he and Josh seemed to have worked around election laws to usurp the $500 cap. Josh was a full time paid employee of the REC for almost 2 years until just month or so before he resigned from another 2 year position with Rashid. Then Rashid gives him severance pay nearly equal or greater to his annual pay. Then Josh ‘loans’ nearly the exact same amount as what Rashid gave him as a severance to his campaign. On top of all that, Rashid is spending thousands of his own dollars in an attempt to destroy Sharpe.

    The spirit of the law wants no man, woman or corporation to have more than $500 worth of influence on a county race. Yet it seems that Rashid and his assets have spent over $50,000 against Mark Sharpe. That alone should scare the shit out of anybody.

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