State Senate D12 is like a beauty pageant

Imagine for a moment that you’re a total loser and you’re sitting around one Saturday night watching the Miss America pageant. After putting up with the insipid “how would you change the world?” questions, followed by the ridiculous “talent” session whereby you have to endure the Top 10 girls tap dance or play the clarinet, you finally get to the ratings meat of the pageant – the swimsuit session. You watch these aspiring celebrities prance out on the catwalk in their bikinis as Donald Trump counts his money s because there are millions of people like you watching this stupid program — which he owns.

A satire

By Chris Ingram

Imagine for a moment that you’re a total loser with nothing better to do on a Saturday night than watch the Miss America* pageant. After putting up with the insipid “how would you change the world?” question responses, followed by the ridiculous “talent” session whereby you have to endure the Top 10 girls tap dance or play the clarinet, you finally get to the ratings meat of the pageant – the swimsuit session. You watch these aspiring celebrities prance out on the catwalk in their bikinis as Donald Trump counts his money because there are millions of people like you watching this stupid program — which he owns*.

After the commercial break the winner is announced and it is Miss Florida! Whoopee! The sunshine state finally has a representative on the national stage who is hot and who is not under any cloud of criminal investigation. Rejoice Floridians!

A few days later there is a problem.

Miss Florida is not really a Miss…. No. She is a Mrs.! Aghast! And on top of that, she once exposed her breasts for a photographer that ended up on the Internet the day after she won Miss America.

Miss Florida has not been so, shall we say honest, about her past.

You see, Miss Florida and all the other contestants signed an affidavit swearing that (among other things) she is: 1) single and has never been married, and 2) never showed her boobies to anyone but her Ob-Gyn.

It being recognized that Miss Florida lied on her application to qualify for the pageant, she is stripped of her title.

Donald Trump then goes on the Today Show and announces that instead of giving the title of Miss America to Miss Oklahama, the first runner-up, he is going to appoint the Hillsborough and Pasco County Florida Republican party chairs and state committee members (a total of six people), to select the next Miss America.

In doing so, Mr. Trump is saying the selection of the next Miss America from the field of candidates who already qualified and said they wanted the title, isn’t necessarily the way to do it. No. Instead, the Hillsborough/Pasco group should get to decide because this is not a democracy, it’s a stupid beauty pageant and fairness is for the birds.

Besides, Bill Bunting (a gun-toting former Democrat) is on the Pasco group and he might shoot Trump if he doesn’t do it his way.

So the group mulls their options. They could pick someone from the previously qualified group of pageant participants but that would seem so fair. Being a kingmaker by picking someone else strokes the ego of the group. Lets see, they could pick someone undeserving like…Rachel Burgin. Nope. Nevermind. Already done that. How about her brother Josh? That’s an idea. Bet our pal Sam would like that one. No. Wait a minute, the appointing group has just realized there is nothing in the rules to prevent them from reappointing Miss Mrs. Florida! She would have to modify her qualification papers and admit that she is married of course, but Trump never said they couldn’t do it. Besides, you have to remember, Bunting has guns.

Bunting is overheard to have said, “Hey, uh, I got no problem with herrr. She was packin’ some heat in them pics I seen on the Intuh-net. And buh-sides she pretty hot. All she’s gotta’ do is kiss da’ ring of da’ Buntenator — and get her conceal/carry permit within 48 hours of course.”

But Deborah Cox-Roush wonders if doing so would ruin her chance of getting elected State Party Chair – what with those nudie pictures and the girl not following the rules about marriage it sure wouldn’t look good for a candidate wanting to clean things up at the state party to appoint someone so scandalous.

So the group begins going through its Rolodex of has-beens, nitwits, sycophants, and nincompoops who would be willing to serve. There are lots of names on the list. They figure they’ll select someone who is a reliable stooge that will owe them all a big favor.

What is lacking is anyone respectable or anyone who isn’t already in the pocket of some pageant interests.

 

 

Miss Oklahoma

And all but forgotten is poor old Miss Oklahoma, the runner-up – and the only person in America deserving of the title. But hey, this is pageant world. Just like in politics, doing the right thing doesn’t really matter.

*UPDATE: In response to all the angry e-mails I have received from beauty pageant freaks, I relent. I was incorrect. Donald Trump owns Miss USA not Miss America. Big deal! Who cares! Get a life! (Read below  for some of the comments I have received — including one from someone claiming to be Miss Arkansas 2008.)

Chris Ingram is the president and founder of 411 Communications a corporate and political communications firm, and publisher of Irreverent View. Ingram is a frequent pundit on Fox News and CNN, and has written opinion columns for the Washington Times, UPI, and National Review online. He is the Republican political analyst for Bay News 9, the only 24 hour all news channel in Florida’s largest media market. The opinions expressed here are those of author and do not represent the views of Bay News 9. E-mail him at: Chris@IrreverentView.com.

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38 thoughts on “State Senate D12 is like a beauty pageant”

  1. This “runner-up” is already the first loser. The majority of the Republicans said they did not want him – so finding someone the do want would seem sensible.

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  2. The point that is being conveniently overlooked is that it’s not Fulford’s job to unilaterally determine that Jim Norman violated election rules and then throw him off the ballot.

    That finding of electoral impropiety is the job of the ethics commission!

    The “the election’s coming soon so I’ve got to make a decision” ruse is merely a self-aggrandizing rationale for this judge to join fellow judges in overstepping their duties and their responsibilities.

    If Norman got elected and the commission decided he broke the rules and the penalty should be disqualification, they could remove him from office.

    My initial thought was that there should be a thorough investigation of the relationship between Fulford and Ambler. Since Fulford didn’t mandate Ambler’s selection my concern has eased somewhat but I still think it should be looked into.

    This and other recent rulings by judicial activists are proof positive of one thing.

    If Americans dont wake up we will have allowed ourselves to have gone so far down the path of being ruled by a “black robed oligarchy” that we will never be able to return to a constitutional republic.

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  3. I find it amusing to see the comments from people like Terry and Tampa Conservative — I bet they are the same hypocritical people who demand trophies for their little leaguers just for playing the game and not EVER allow a teacher to allude to the fact that there can only be one winner and the rest are “losers.” The fact of the matter is that Norman was NEVER a qualified candidate because of his own actions and Ambler (the only other qualified candidate) received over 14,600 votes, yet you would rather have Norman (a very unethical person to say the least) be replaced on the ballot or someone that NO ONE voted for! It does not make sense!!

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  4. Terry, can you please substantiate your post with some law. As there are many who may take what you say, and draw inaccurate conclusions from it, as a leader, you must ensure that what your are saying is correct, factual, accurate, etc. Otherwise, people may take that information and make bad decisions.

    Hint: Start with Florida Statutes Section 99.061(5), then go to Article II, section 8, of the Florida Constitution…that is about 1/20th of the legwork, but it should get you started.

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  5. This should be a simple decision. Have Sam Rashid build Josh Burgin a house in the district and move him and his wife over there. Goodbye Ambler you need to be gone like the AMC Rambler.
    As for Bunting and his Pasco clan…this is not your seat…really it is not..this one belongs to Hillsborough.

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  6. Where to begin?

    1. Too too funny, Chris. Unfortunately, some of your satire is very close to reality.

    2. Have you forgotten that there IS a Burgin who hasn’t been tapped yet for public office. And guess what?!! SHE IS A BEAUTY QUEEN…I think she’s like Strawberry Queen or something..so how perfect is that? A Burgin AND a beauty queen. And if not her, then maybe the Burgins have another kid around somewhere who would do. Check with Sam.

    3. Kemple — I thought you were a Christian type person. I thought Christians were able to recognize SIN when it hits them between the eyes…(I’m talking Jim and Mearline here.) Lying. Prevaricating. Dissembling. Sneaking around. Finagling — I thought you would not be down with stuff like that. And here you are on here making excuses and splitting hairs to excuse them. I am sorely disappointed in you. I would have expected the same righteous indignation toward the Normans that you would have for, say…a strip joint. Why the double standard? SIN IS SIN. And oh yeah…the Ethics Commission is really the agency to get to the bottom of this…NOT! They are about as effective as a baby with a bullwhip. (Not very.)

    4. Also, Kemple, what makes you say this judge is a “judicial activist”? Just because her judgement did not line up with yours? Come on. Stop with the spewing of the kook-aid drinkin party line. And don’t call me a RINO either. I’ve been voting R for lo, these many many years. I’m just sick to death of Republicans acting like reprobates and other Republicans excusing them and PAYING THEIR LEGAL FEES (55K)

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  7. I just read a lot of your posts and I have to tell you that you are hysterical, poignant and insightful! I love the way you write. Candidly funny. Like the Chelsea Handler of local politics! Anyway, I just wanted to tell you great work.

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  8. Thank you for your comments concerning the District 12 Senate seat. I was not able to reply to you sooner because I returned from a four-month military deployment on Thursday evening, in support of the Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill response on the Northern Gulf Coast. In between my duties as your State Committeeman, I was trying to spend some quality time with my family.

    Please be assured that my colleagues and I will put integrity and competience above all else when making our selection today. Personally, I am committed to providing Hillsborough County and District 12 with the best candidate possible.

    Thank you.

    A.J. Matthews
    Republican State Committeeman
    Hillsborough County

    Like

  9. I find it hard to believe anyone can say a “black robed oligarchy.” Let’s see. Miss Oklahoma found information showing that Miss Florida cheated. Miss Oklahoma filed suit. The attorneys for the two pageant queens agreed on procedure (the judge would also be jury) and standard of proof (clear and convincing evidence, meaning you’re just danged sure).

    The Court expedited the gruesome matter in the interest of the voters. The court at the outset of the Decision said there was no guiding precedent, so the judge was walking the wire without a net. The judge found that Miss Florida was an idiot thinking she could get away with being either incredibly stupid, or smashingly disingenuous, or (a Socialist might say) both.

    The judge did not declare Miss Oklahoma the winner. Being that there IS a general election on the calendar, the judge followed process as best as anyone could, turning to the elected officials with authority to conduct elections in Pasco and Hillsborough to figure out what to do next.

    What would you have done differently? For the edification of any who have not done so, read the decision.

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  10. Mr. Ingram,

    I’ve just read your satire comparing pageants to politics. Donald Trump owns the Miss Universe Organization, and is affiliated ONLY with the Miss USA Pageant, which is entirely different from the Miss America Pageant that is operated by the Miss America Organization. If you’re going to write something potentially offensive to the bright young woman who compete in the Miss America Organization, at least do a couple minutes of research. Surely, the time it would have taken to do a simple google search on Donald Trump/pageants would have been well worth it to avoid such a mistake.

    Sincerely,
    Anna Welsh

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  11. Mr. Ingram,

    After reading “State Senate D12 is like a beauty pageant,” I feel compelled to point out a glaring error in your piece that brings unwarranted slander to a program that I believe in, The Miss America Scholarship Organization.
    Donald Trump owns Miss USA, not Miss America, a fact that could have been learned after a simple google search. I am disappointed that an accomplished journalist like yourself failed to find out exactly who you are attacking before you take aim.
    The derogatory comments that you made about the make-believe scandals, mindless onstage answers, and “talents,” lead me to believe that making a distinction between Miss America and Miss USA might beckon an eye roll from you. I hope that you will take the 5 minutes that you neglected to spend researching one of the victims of your satire and educate yourself on the important differences between the two programs.
    I have attached my undergraduate thesis, “Scholarship Pageant is Not an Oxymoron.” I was inspired by my own experiences as Miss Arkansas 2008 and spent a year taking a closer look at the work of women in the Miss America Scholarship Organization. For instance, I had personally observed during my years of competing that in a scholarship pageant format, the seemingly most intelligent women ended up among the finalists. I spent time backing up my assertion with quantative evidence, such as my discovery that the average ACT of top five finalists in the Miss Arkansas Pageant in 2006 was a 31.
    Looking back at the history of Miss America I found that the Miss USA pageant was developed by a former swimsuit sponsor of the Miss America Pageant, Catalina Swimwear. Catalina created Miss USA after Yolande Betbeze, Miss America 1951, refused to appear for publicity photos in a swimsuit .
    As a platform-based program, the women all dedicate their work as title-holders to making a difference to a particular area of philanthropy. Many of the women work to have laws passed, lobby legislative members, and develop 501 © 3 organizations to bring progress to their platform. As Miss Arkansas I had the opportunity to speak at the Arkansas’s opening joint legislative session in January of 2009 catching the attention of countless representatives who joined me in my dedication to after school programs for Arkansas students. The national platform of the Miss America Organization is the Children’s Miracle Network, and the titleholders have currently worked to raise over $2.3 million dollars for CMN.
    The Miss America Scholarship Organization is the largest provider of women’s scholarship in the world, providing over $45 million every year to women at the local, state, and national level. My scholarship winnings for being Miss Arkansas total over $60,000 and are allowing me to pursue a doctorate degree in communication disorders.

    I am most-disheartened your associations with women of pageantry and scandalous behavior. The actions of women like Carrie Prejean, Tara Connor, and Rima Fakih (all of Donald Trumps Miss USA pageant) have make it difficult for the positive efforts of the women in the Miss America Scholarship Pageant to be noticed- and worse- we have been associated with their moral shortcomings.

    My friend Tara Wheeler, Miss Virginia raised over $50, 000 dollars for cancer research by gaining sponsorship to shave her head. She shaved her head so that she could visit oncology wards in children’s hospitals and show kids that “beauty is as beauty does” to help them cope with the cosmetic effects of cancer. Did she make headlines? A few, but the majority were dedicated to the release of Carrie Prejean’s sex tape. In the few interviews that Tara did get, the journalists often asked her to comments on the tape’s release.

    When the pictures of lingerie-clad Miss USA contestants were plastered all over the news from a controversial photo shoot forced upon the girls by Mr. Trump last spring, Miss America was on tour visiting our troops in Afghanistan.

    Miss America spends her year traveling the country speaking about her platform and championing the Children’s Miracle Network. Miss USA lives in Trump tower and works for his modeling agency. Miss America contestants win scholarship money. Miss USA contestants win modeling and acting opportunities.

    It is difficult to distance ourselves from the unfortunate actions of our antagonistic spin-off. Irresponsible research in pieces like yours make our mission of distinction even harder. Your satire aids in negating the work of thousands of women who are positively changing their communities and paving a path from service to scholarship.

    In sum, I hope that you will take a closer look at the Miss America Scholarship Organization and other programs that you choose to slander, even figuratively. A retraction would also be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you,
    Ashlen Batson-Thomason
    Miss Arkansas 2008

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  12. I know it’s easy to make fun of us pageant lovers but you could at least get your facts straight. Donald Trump owns Miss USA, not Miss America. Thank you.

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  13. Rob Wallace is an excellent choice to fill that seat. The HCREC and PCREC made an excellent selection. I don’t have to think about a write-in candidate now as I can support Wallace.

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  14. “And the winner is….THERE he goes….Mr. Hills-bor-ough..our i-deeeal….Rob Wallace….annointed and crowned by our top 6 Republicans who know best…”

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  15. Big Mama Debbie and the boys picked Rob Wallace. Don’t know him from Adam.

    I’m over it. I’m going to vote for one of the write ins…maybe the pet shop employee.

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  16. Hello, sir. I just wanted to write you an e-mail, in response to the recent article you wrote concerning beauty pageants. While I understand that it was meant to be satirical and entertainment, I take severe umbrage with some of the statements you made about the Miss America Organization. I encourage you to write whatever you wish about Donald Trump and his business ventures in the pageant world, however (and with all due respect), should you chose to do so could you please concern yourself with doing 30 seconds of research to confirm which organization he owns. Donald Trump is the owner of the Miss Universe pageant and the Miss USA pageant. He is in no way, shape, or form affiliated with the Miss America Organization; in fact, those of us who are competitors, parents, volunteers, directors, or participants of any kind in the Miss America Organization strive to distinguish our SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAM from the BEAUTY PAGEANT that is Miss USA. Several factors separate us, particularly our talent competition, our committed partnership with the Children’s Miracle Network, and the fact that our prizes for titleholders are awarded in the from of scholarship monies. So please, I beg of you to uphold any sense of journalistic integrity that you may harbor and retract, or at least correct, the statements you have made in your article. The Miss America Organization strives to represent itself as upstanding, honorable and, quite frankly, everything that the Miss USA organization is not. Thank you for your time.

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  17. What the HELL!!!
    Have you really brought the pageant defenders/police out in force? Are Ashley and Anna really beating you up with a rhinestone crown for being INACCURATE???? Is this REAL? Or is it some kind of subtle Andy Kaufman type humor you got goin here, Ingram? Are YOU really Ashley and Anna, pulling our legs? But if this IS real..then people really care who “owns” a pageant and if it is Miss Universe or Miss America…and I didn’t even know they still HAD these things on TV. Wow.

    But you know..it does bring back fond memories of when we were young (back in the 1950s and 60s) and Miss America night was a HUGE deal. Almost as big a deal as the night they showed the Wizard of Oz. The whole family got our popcorn popped and gathered round the big old TV cabinet and settled in to watch Burt Parks (OH God…remember him? Is that his name?) and all the fine upstanding lovlies in their highly constructed one piece swimsuits and elegant evening gowns. And you’re telling me THEY WEAR BIKINIS???? Sluts! What next? Breast augmentation and botox?!!

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  18. I hate to keep beating on this..but you know what would really be cool? If Ambler’s appeal is granted and he gets put back on the ballot! And Cox Roush and Bunting and them would have to eat nails. It could happen. Visualize Justice.

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  19. To heck with the election. This thread is about pageants. In that spirit, an Ashlen Batson was Miss Arkansas 2008, receiving a $12k scholarship to help with her senior year at U. of Central Arkansas, where she majored in speech pathology. An Ashlen Batson married a Mr. Thomason in Destin earlier this year. So, Ms. Batson-Thomason who is posting to this thread, if you are the person just referenced, I give you the benefit of the doubt that you are bright. No question as to your beauty.

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  20. What I want to know is…how did Ashlen, Miss Arkansas even FIND this thread..does she keep a google search going for key words? such as “pageant” “Miss America” “dumb blonde” “prance on catwalk” “scholarship” “Catalina”…? And bingo! Irreverent View popped up and she decided to set Chris straight??
    Is that how it happened?

    This internet is a wonderful thing, isn’t it? It brings us together from the far flung corners of the world (Arkansas/Destin) and gives us so many insights that we would never otherwise have.

    Group HUG!

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  21. Dear Mr. Ingram:

    I take no issue with your satire or the comparisons you make to beauty pageants in general. However, please note that Donald Trump is in NO WAY associated with the Miss America Pageant. He owns the Miss Universe and Miss USA pageants. The constant drama and scandal to which you refer in your satire are the hallmarks of Mr. Trump’s management and his quest for higher ratings at any expense and in no way reflect the philosophy and standards of the Miss America Organization. It is an insult to be linked to him in such a way.

    Thank you in advance for hopefully correcting this error in print.

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  22. OMG.This is hysterical. Who would have thought that a political blog would turn into a debate on the merits of the Miss America vs. Ms USA vs. WTH.

    This amazing. I thought it was a riot when reading Kemple’s oh Mr. Norman’s a nice guy and if he breaks the law for what I think is okay…well then it’s okay….why am I not surprised.

    Hey O’Steen keep up the good work – not one of them can out do you!

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  23. We were not freaks for correcting your very sloppy column. A simple google search would have shown you how quickly you assumed something. This should show your readers that you clearly talk of out your ass instead of presenting well-researched knowledge. You saying Trump owned Miss America would be like saying Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook owns myspace. You just sound like a dumb ass. Thanks.

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  24. Unfortunately, Facts, Figures, vigorous excercise of intellect once again falls short on the mean spirited Chrissy Innignousgram that spews forth the RINO ideology. Why can’t we all just get along and build that train that we need now!! Pass that tax so Mark Sharp (sleeping buddy of CI) can spend that tax money with Pam Iorio. We need that train NOW! The future of the free world and all of Tampa is resting on the tax. Oh yeah if Pam was worth salt, pepper or tea, she would go get a beauty pagent here in our Metorpolis of splendor located so magnigicnently in the center of the swamp state…GO Gators! Why do we do that when we really need tomohawks to kill made bulls chasing Leroy Selmon! Oh Hezuz Please come quick and deliver us from Kathy Castor’s mom and her new boyfriend! So really irreverent! Not even close CI!

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  25. Reply to Lisa:

    Madam,

    If you had any clue about that which you are talking about here, you would have realized how wrong you are as it relates to the transportation tax. I oppose it and have publicly stated my opposition to it both to the press and on Irreverent View.

    Furthermore, it is rather disingenuous of you to chastise me for allegedly being mean spririted, then call me “Chrissy,” suggest I sleep with Mark Sharpe, and am Betty Castor’s boyfriend.

    Get a life.

    Chris Ingram

    Like

  26. I’d Say Irreverently Thin Skinned! You sure can dish it. Prove all of us dems wrong and cream her on air or does she have you vulva major whipped my friend?

    Like

  27. Extra thin skinned apparently! Can you not muster the courage to put her in her place? Wasn’t she the USF pres who was illegal? Didn’t my babe Alex slip one past you guys at USF this week? If Scott was such the man he would have handled Alex …. and he’s not even irreverent. But maybe he is like CI and can’t handle Cathy’s mom either.

    So am I a fool for reading your blog….or…..an idiot for commenting on the dribble.

    One of my great pleasures is to read your blog with an English Londonaires Accent….everyone on here should try it!
    It makes it really irreverent!!

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  28. Denney, Interpret it however your narrow mind permits. She lied about my position on the trans. tax (I firmly oppose it), then called me all these ridiculous things. She’s an idiot. If my calling her an idiot makes her get the best of me, so be it.

    Chris

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  29. NOTE TO READERS:

    Lisa/Denney/Wally/Plant City Observer/Tim Johnson/Mike Randall/Timmy Young are all the same person.

    This is a person who is quick to call names, write crude things, base statements that are short on facts, and is such a pathetic coward he/she cannot use his real name when mouthing of his opinion.

    We’ll continue to let this loser post because it’s fun to watch pathetic people make fools of themselves, particularly when they write things back and forth about themselves as “Denney” did when talking about “Lisa’s” comments about me. Remember, Denney and Lisa are the same loser.

    Get a life whoever you are.

    Chris Ingram

    Like

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