By U. Ben Had
Florida Governor Rick Scott’s office announced the governor will hold a news conference today to inform the public that he will be resigning effective immediately.
Scott’s press spokesman Oliver Klozoff told the Tallahassee press corp that Scott, “wants more time to be with his family.”
However, another source indicated Scott plans to travel to Japan where he will undergo hair transplant surgery and intensive “personality reorganization” under the direction of famed psychiatric pioneer Dr. Yuri Nator. The source said Scott was doing this to “become more human-like.”
When asked of this by the press, Klozoff confessed and told the truth.
Klozoff also indicated Scott would be back from Japan in time to run for governor again.
“This is just a temporary stop to getting Florida back to work. He has $70 more million so he will run again. The governor felt this was the right thing to do because campaigning is so much easier than running the state. He will have all of these improvements to finally make him appear to be human. And, since he is leaving office that means someone else will be governor and that will add to his list of new jobs created in Florida, for a total of twelve. This is a win-win for everyone,” Klozoff said before jumping into a lake with all of her clothes off.